The Restaurant at The End of The Universe

Uttar Pradesh State Tourist Department run a heritage walk every morning at 8 am.  Yesterday we telephoned from the train to check that it would run on Sundays. "Yes sir. 10.30. Guides very busy at 8" . That suits us fine so we say that we will be there. A couple of hours later he calls back to say that the tour will operate at 8 am not 10.30. So much for a lie in. Because we are so far out and we are worried that autos are going to be scarce we set out at 7.15, before breakfast service starts. It was a bit of a shock on leaving the hotel to find that the temperature outside is colder rather than warmer. We take a 400 metres walk to the nearest major crossroads where a share auto guy asks where we are going. When we tell him he offers a price which we agree to and he promptly evicts the two people already in his vehicle and shoos them away to the next one. D tries to apologise but they seem to be philosophical about it.

Even with fleeces on our 20 minute ride to the Tila Wali Masjid (mosque) is quite chilly. We arrive a few minutes before eight and manage to buy breakfast bananas from a man passing with a hand cart. There is a tourist car parked up at the entrance to the mosque and when a man on a motorbike arrives the two men in the backseat emerge. The biker is Atif, our guide, and the two from the car are Charles and Mike from the US. There is no messing, straight into the mosque, shoes off and by the way this tour is Rs300 per head. We hand over the cash and hear about the history of Lucknow and the Nawabs of Oudh. After the mosque we check out a tomb or two before moving on to admire the the Rumi Gate , spelt Roomi on the official signs, but as D pointed out, rather a tight fit if you are driving a bus through it. 

Next up was the Bara Imambara, a huge building that was built in the late 1700s as a famine relief project. The complex has beautifully maintained gardens and on the upper floor a Labyrinth. Couples who wish to explore this indoor maze are required to hire a guide to act as chaperone. Pressure of time means that we skip the maze and slip out of a back gate close to the flower market. This is busy and colourful but nowhere near the scale of the Kolkata one. From here we pass through one of the old city gates and into a world of chowks and galis (streets and lanes). It is still early and only a few businesses are open but the relative quiet allows our guide to point out some of the architectural features and curiosities. He takes us down one lane that specialises in indigo hand block printing.

Our guide takes us through the back streets to the Farangi Mahal (Foreigners Palace) , a haveli once the home to French traders who were chucked out by one of the Nawabs in the early 19th century to make space for some of his relatives.  We meet a descendant of these who takes over guiding duties from hereon. There is a stop at a chai shop before heading into another set of bewildering alleys. More and more businesses are getting geared up for the day's trade and before long we find ourselves in a perfumer's shop where our replacement guide is 'weel kent'. We sniff things for a while before receiving the inevitable invitation to trade. Mike tries to haggle for a bulk purchase and gets nowhere.  Our tour time is now up and we split up, Charles and Mike back to their car, us to an auto and the guide to collect his commission.  

We are starting to realise that Lucknow is very spread out and that there is no main centre. We need reliable facilities so once again we lose all cred by heading for CafeCoffeeDay. This is easier said than done. We are hailed by a man driving an electric auto and we decide to try one. We want to go to the intersection of MG Road and Ashok Marg. All self respecting Indian towns have these and in Lucknow it is a major landmark. The auto walla quotes an acceptable price before starting to ask other

people where we want to go. They then ask us. D gets out a map to help explain. A crowd gathers and we are starting to block the street. Eventually the driver seems to work it out and motions us aboard. We set off past the roadside rubbish recycling facilities and then through the livestock market. Why do so many people buy pigeons? It soon becomes apparent that our man has no idea where to go as he stops every 200 metres to seek directions. Eventually we reach MG Road and start to make progress until we come to a police barrier where we are diverted. Roads running parallel to MG Road are also blocked so we have to take a long diversion with halts to ask for directions. 

We eventually get there and order black teas. The loo is dirty, our order takes 25 minutes and one of the cups is filthy and has to be sent back. The CCD corporate team offer several ways to provide feedback. D emails and R Tweets. We are not holding our breath. She has still not had a response from the Hon. Railways Minister. We window shop for a while until the Royal Cafe's pavement chat stall opens. This sreet food is normally off limits for us but this place is a proper restaurant and we can watch the cooking action. The first meal prepared goes as an offering to the god in the niche then our aloo basket is prepared. It looks delicious but very messy. It is on a proper plate and collecting two plastic spoons we sit in the small pavement garden and tuck in. It is a very substantial lunch for two.

The main reason that we put Lucknow on this year's list was as a result of walking past the Lucknow Gates, originally the main entrance to Glendaruel House in a remote part of the Scottish West Highlands. The house burnt down forty years ago but used to belong to Sir Colin Campbell who led the relief of the siege of Lucknow in 1857. This siege was one of the major events of the First War of Independence/Indian Mutiny depending on where you went to school. We engage a cycle rickshaw man to take us to the Residency, the scene of much of the action in 1857. This is a spacious park with several ruined buildings and one building restored as a museum. The latter requires bags, cameras and mobile phones to be deposited in a locker but there was nothing much to photograph anyway. One floor was closed for renovations and we came out no better informed than we went in. The whole memorial area is quite peaceful and well tended and it seems to be a popular venue among young couples. 

By now the sun has burned off all of the mist and cloud and it is getting rather warm. Outside the gate our rickshaw man fought off a crowd of competitors and quoted a price to our next destination.  We set off and soon discovered that he didn't know the hotel Gomti and kept asking for directions.  A bit of a pattern here. We get there in the end and enjoy the shade in their beer garden. The Kingfisher has frost on the outside and R said that her Lemon Soda was most refreshing. We look up to see a crows of young men waving to us from a nearby building. We wave back. After a few minutes they appear in the garden wishing to practice their English. They are law students, attending a crammer for exams in May. We wish them luck.

Yesterday R had seen an outfit in Fabindia that had taken her fancy. It was on our way back to the hotel so we decided to take a second look. For once we got an auto driver who seemed to know where to go. The saleswoman's eyes lit up as she made a pile of clothes for R to try which occupied half an hour or so. D amused himself by pulling faces at a small child who was equally left out of the action.  The child responded in kind. In the end R chose a silk ganga suit that is really two outfits in one. Luggage space is limited. The child is rewarded with an Orange Bite. We take an auto back to base for tea and a/c.

We decide to look locally for something to eat. Our first try is another hotel nearby, not encumbered with a wedding tonight, and which has a roof bar and restaurant. The menu is dull and pricey and the service makes CafeCoffeeDay look slick so we bail out. We had seen a sign for a place called the Metropolitan which has good scores on zomato, the restaurant ratings site. It is even further out into the void than our hotel, beyond the point where the tarmac road ends and it becomes just a sandy track.  On one side is an electricity sub station, on another a flooded empty lot, on a third the railway. It seems a very improbable spot for a multi restaurant and night club complex. 

We approached from a side where there were no windows except on the top floor and it looked a bit sinister. Round at the front it was all glitz and commissionaires. We had to make a quick choice of floors.  The RestoPub/Tavern seemed to be our sort of scene. It was bizarre.  The staff wear uniforms like airline pilots with differing numbers of gold rings on their sleeves. The fewer the rings the more work they do. The bar is raised up and looks like a set from a sci-fi movie. It is a little pricey but the food is good and we would have paid extra for the laughs it gave us. We giggle all the way home.

Some things never change. Even in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe England's cricket team are taking a pasting.